If I were King of Scotland …

THANK YOU for making me King of Scotland. About time too. Anyway, here are my first decrees. I will leave broader areas of policy to politicians and address issues that have annoyed me for years. My solutions apply common sense, offend the woke and reduce state control.

Mobile homes must purchase an app for £50 which will chart their location and record whether they overnight at an approved place. If they do not, they will be charged £50 which will go to the local community deprived of the custom they denied it by bringing food from home. They will be charged £250 if the contents of toilets are found where they stopped, with a reward of £100 to anyone who reports an incident. Islands can restrict the number of camper vans and caravans at any time. Monaco bans them completely.

Emissions Free Zones will be banned because they are not emissions free, they penalise business people who cannot afford new vehicles, deter people from accessing shops and restaurants, and are a scam to extort money from otherwise law-abiding citizens.

Speed bumps will be banned. They are especially bad if you are on a bus or in an ambulance. Even road narrowing is counterproductive because motorists speed up between obstacles to beat a car coming in the opposite direction. They will be replaced with signs warning of one’s speed at the beginning of the restricted area, with fines for offenders exceeding the limit by more than ten per cent, measured by smart devices over the next hundred metres.

No driver will be penalised for a speed of 25mph or less. Below 20mph the car will either stall or the driver will fall asleep through boredom.

Scotrail will paint over Gaelic place names at stations. Only one per cent of Scots speak the language and they live in areas with no rail service. On my recent five-day visit to the Western Isles, I only heard the language spoken once, most of the people I spoke to being immigrants from other parts of the UK who couldn’t tell a Mòd from a rocker.

The woman on the train intercom will stop announcing as we approach the station, “please take your belongings with you before you leave the train”. Are we supposed to throw our luggage onto the platform and then get off? And meaningless terms like “zero carbon travel” or “an environmentally friendly way to travel” will be banned. The train ticket will say how much it would have cost without taxpayer subsidy, to demonstrate the value of the journey.

there is no need for an MOT when the car is only three years old

EU mandated safety warnings and mechanisms in cars, like “lane-keeping”, will be abolished because they are an unnecessary cost and distraction. Occasionally I get a red flashing collision warning message for no reason, which is the last thing I need to be bothered with if I am ever in such a situation. I have developed the knack of ignoring all visible and audible warnings so I can focus on driving the car.

MOT tests were introduced in 1960 at a time when cars were poorly made and maintained. Today, there is no need for a test when the car is only three years old. Let’s increase it to five and then test every two years.

When I get up early to buy groceries for an evening dinner party, I am told to come back at 10.00am to buy a bottle of wine. That is authoritarianism at its worst and will end.

I will bring back plastic straws and de-demonise plastic bags. There are no acceptable alternatives to plastic straws, paper ones being useless. I once bought books from woke Waterstones which gave me a paper carrier bag. When outside, the bottom of the bag turned to papier-mache in a heavy rain shower, and the books fell into a puddle.

I will stop BBC Gardeners’ World telling me to buy only peat-free compost. It is much inferior to peat-based versions, and digging up a few bogs will not cause civilisation-ending global warming. It is time Monty Don retired. Ruth Vichos and George Anderson at Beechgrove Garden are much better.

Glasgow will start charging for its world-class museums and heritage attractions, because they risk losing that status due to lack of funding. On my last visit to Provands Lordship, the herb garden was overgrown with weeds and at the St Mungo Museum of Religious Life and Artthe lift was not working, sections of display were closed, and the cafe had not opened since Covid; nor has the Lighthouse.

A vegan produces up to seven times as much methane as a meat-eating person

It costs £30 to enter Westminster Abbey, so why are Glasgow Cathedral and the Necropolis free? Tourists expect to pay for quality venues and locals should appreciate the value of facilities on their own doorstep. Some countries give discounts to locals, and students and under-18s can go free. There is no reason for a difference between council-run facilities and ones owned by Historic Environment Scotland and the National Trust for Scotland.

Teachers will stop telling their pupils not to eat beef because cows emit greenhouse gases. Methane (CH4) turns into water (H2O) and carbon dioxide (CO2) over a decade or so, which feed the grass in a perfectly sustainable, cyclical process. Also, cattle convert vegetation into protein, vitamins and trace elements in a more efficient way than us, and they also fart for us (outdoors). A vegan produces up to seven times as much methane as a meat-eating person. Stay upwind of Green Party members.

Under Reform policy, teenagers will have the option of a junior college if they seek a vocational education rather than an academic one. But too many missed the boat and are not in education, employment or training (NEET). All such youngsters from the age of seventeen to twenty-five will obtain two years of National Service where they will learn survival skills, including how to survive without social media. They will be stretched physically and mentally and those who excel will be offered a career in the military to help restore the strength of our armed forces.

I recently stopped at the Commando Monument near Spean Bridge, a reminder of young men who came from all walks of life and were transformed into heroes in the Scottish Highlands. Each generation must understand that the first duty of citizens is to defend the country from potential aggressors.

Fifty million UK birds are killed by domestic cats every year. From now on, each will wear a collar with a bell. I am tempted to go as far as Australia where cats are not permitted to roam beyond the owner’s property. The range of farm animals can be controlled by a collar which applies a mild shock when they stray beyond a defined zone, obviating the need for fences. Why not apply this to cats?

Lastly, I’m bringing back the stocks for anyone throwing litter.

I’m afraid my powers are limited and I must disappoint those of you who have requested that the Irish Sea be renamed the British Sea.