Parliamentary sketch: Zippy at the despatch box

LIFE isn’t fair, but how we sound matters. Hollywood knows it. It’s not enough to look good, you have to sound good.

Barack Obama’s smooth, deep movie star voice sounded like a Hollywood choice. People loved him.

Tony Blair was excitable, but could sell an idea. Margaret Thatcher had to moderate her shrill sound knowing only dogs could hear her.

Boris Johnson’s bumptious RP went down well as British and a Harry Potter professor type. Memorable PMs have memorable voices.

Which brings us to Keir. Those of a certain age might mistake him as Zippy from Rainbow. The nasal quality isn’t his fault. He can’t adjust it. One can sympathise even.

No, life isn’t fair, but Keir you don’t help yourself. Keir should know that by combining his tones with moral outrage we get a head-boy in the headteacher’s office reporting on the school villain.

See, Keir turns down the volume and gulped as he told on some bad boy for saying ‘she should be shot’. A few ‘disgracefuls’ from him and a few ‘goshes’ from MPs; and when a hammer and an axe were mentioned he addressed a school assembly, not parliament.

But what Keir does know is that what he lacks in voice, he makes up for with volume and many lists. The man speaks in bullet points when riled. Which is as disconcerting as meeting Zippy from Rainbow when he’s raging.

Graduate loans? ENERGY, INFLATION, BORROWING.

Youth unemployment? ENERGY, INFLATION, BORROWING.

Increasing benefits? ENERGY, INFLATION, BORROWING.

Throw in a couple of Liz Truss comments and job done. Now he can go to a nasal purr.

The nasal purr is for when talking serious issues, such as how hard it is to cope with experiences like those he had when he visited Peacehaven, after that horrific fire where no one was hurt. He has been to other terrorist attack sites but given he was talking about how the Islam religion is under attack, it would have been awkward.

He also agreed that religious worship is important to preserve which was also a bit awkward, what with the whole you-can’t-pray-here thing for Christian pro-lifers. Not to mention the synagogues under attack. Which he didn’t.

He also speaks with some emotion about the excellent Equality Act that was brought in by Tony Blair. That’s the one that lets anyone go to university. No wait, sorry, I am getting confused with the ‘moving the goal posts wider’ Act. The Equality Act is the one that means that any child with a ‘hidden’ disability, assessed through questionnaires can access extra money, not be excluded from school until adulthood, which is when they can get a car.

And it protects anyone who comes to the UK.

Yes, you are a very good boy, Keir. We hear you. Zippy.